Drown With Me
by UntilTomorrowAlways
Summary: Kate Beckett has always hidden her feelings. And because of that she now has a dark secret. She's spiraling out of control, drowning, crying out for help. Will anyone be there to save her, or will she drown in a lake of secrets, pain and regret? Set in the middle of Season 4.
1. Turmoil

**Warning: This story contains graphic descriptions of self-harm. If you're triggered easily, please don't read this. Thanks. **

**Disclaimer: I don't own anything from Castle. **

She grips the edge of her desk tighter, biting her lip. She stares at the murder board, the pictures and letters swimming before her eyes. This case brings up suppressed memories. Dark memories. The case is about a nineteen year old girl named Angela Gonzalez. She was strangled in her room. That's not the part that brings up bad memories, no, it's the part where she was found with cuts and burns on her legs and arms. That's where the memories flood Kate's mind.

_It was five weeks after her mom was murdered. Her father had drunk himself into oblivion, again. She was exhausted. She was tired of fighting to get through each day, tired of coming home to a father that was passed out on the floor in a pool of his own vomit. She was tired of the pain that resided in her heart and mind and everywhere, in every cell of her body. She was standing in the shower, letting the scalding water run over her skin while tears fell from her eyes. _

_She missed her mom so much. Why did she have to go? Why did she have to die and leave them all alone? It was like she lost a mother and a father. She was shaking so hard she could barely stand, the pain was invading her brain and chest and fingertips. More and more tears were falling. Pain was ripping her apart. Right when she thought that she might explode, a shiny object near the sink caught her eye: a razor. She grabbed it blindly, not knowing what she was doing, and dragged it slowly across her wrist. The blood dripped into the water, turning it pink._

_The pain in her heart disappeared, replaced by a high that rushed through her. A small smile bloomed across her face. She then realized what she was doing. She was cutting herself. Guilt and panic consumed her. She dropped the blade into the water and quickly got out of the shower, shivering. What had she done? _

_The pain in her arm returned, burning and stinging and hurting. But it was a pain she could control, not like the emotional pain. Since that day, every time her world felt like it was going to implode and she felt like she was going to burst from the agony, she cut. And cut. And hid it. And lied to her friends and family. Nobody ever found out and they never will._

The last time she self-harmed was four years ago, right before she met Castle. He made her want to be a better person. However, the urges are returning. This case has really triggered her, so much that she can barely concentrate. Images of razor blades and blood and cuts fill her mind. Her hands are itching to grab something sharp and make the urges fade, but she can't do that, not to herself. She can't fall into that addiction again. So easy to start, so hard to stop. She digs her nails into her arm, breathing hard. Suddenly, a coffee cup is placed next to her and a voice is greeting her. She looks up from the floor and is greeted with shining blue eyes.

"Beckett? You okay?" Castle asks, brushing her arm for a fleeting moment.

"Huh? Oh, yeah, I'm fine, just a bit tired. Thanks for the coffee," she replies, flashing him a quick smile.

"No problem. So, any new leads on the case?" He says, sitting next to her.

"Not really. Well, Lanie determined that the, uh, cuts and burns were self-inflicted, so we know she wasn't tortured." Kate murmurs this quietly, trying to hide her face.

"Hmm," he hums sadly.

"What's wrong?" She inquires. He has a strange look on his face.

"It's just sad that someone would hurt so much that they would do this to themselves, in so much pain that they feel the need to take it out on their own bodies," he replies, shaking his head. This strikes a chord with Kate. She can't do this. She can't.

"Um, Castle? I'll be right back," she says hesitantly, trying to smile.

"Okay, sure."

She turns around and practically runs to the bathroom. She closes the door tightly behind her, and exhales. She leans against the wall, breathing in and out, in and out, struggling to slow her heart rate. It's impossible. The urges to harm herself come back, but now they are stronger. They are eating away at her will to fight, making her weak, vulnerable, they are embedding themselves in her mind. She knows that if she doesn't cut, they will just get stronger and stronger until she does something drastic and terrible.

The memories of her mom in the alley, bleeding out, dead, cold, unmoving blind her. Memories of her father drinking until he was out cold, the way he ignored her, torture her. Then her fights with Castle come back to her. Her shooting. The bullet burning through her chest, her life leaving her body with every ragged breath she took.

It's all too much. She's drowning, gasping for air, gasping for something to stop the anguish.

Her fist connects with the mirror. It shatters into little shards of broken glass. Little shards of false hope and dizzy, high relief. She picks one up. Her hand traces its jagged outline.

She brings it closer to her arm, shaking slightly. Tears trickle down her face. Pain is everywhere, pain is everything. She has become a ghost, a spectrum that can only feel misery and fear. She rolls up her sleeve and slides the shard of glass across her arm. It leaves a small trail of red blood in its wake.

The pain disappears. She's floating for a moment, then crashes down back to earth. Pain in her heart returns.

She cuts again. A bit deeper. A drop of blood stains the white tiles.

And again. And again. She loses count. Now she's flying, the rush is coursing through her broken veins. The blood is seeping out of her body in the form of anger and sadness. It's leaving in a river of crimson, dripping onto the tiles, onto her clothes, but she doesn't care, she's too free and too happy to care.

A second later, a soft knock sounds on the door. She freezes, the piece of glass slipping out of her fingers and clattering to the floor.

"Beckett? Are you alright in there? We have a new lead and are going to go talk to the suspect," It's Ryan's voice. Oh god oh god oh god-

"I-I'm fine. I'll be out in a second." She tries to say this in a normal voice, however it comes out hoarse, croaky, panicked.

"Are you sure?" He opens the door. She stares at him and he stares at her, his eyes widening in shock. She quickly hides her arm behind her back, but she knows that it's too late, he's seen and she's screwed. Guilt and panic overwhelm her. What has she done? She's supposed to be the strong one, not this worthless, weak mess.

"Oh, god, Beckett." Ryan can barely speak. "W-What happened?"


	2. Breathe Me

**A/N: Thanks so much for all the follows and favorites! Hope you all like this chapter. :D**

"I-I can explain," she stutters, her mind going blank. "Come in," she whispers. Kate pulls him inside the bathroom and shuts the door quickly, her eyes darting around the room.

"Seriously, Kate, what did you do? Are you okay?" He asks, concern making him furrow his brow.

"I, um. I just got overwhelmed because of the case and everything, I started to think too much, and I needed to do something about it, I guess..." She lowers her head in shame. "Kevin, you can't tell _anyone _about this. Not Javi, not Castle. Especially not Castle," she says in an urgent tone. She can see that he's still shocked, still putting the pieces together.

"How-How long have you been doing this?" He finally chokes out.

"Just today," she lies. He can't know that this has been going on for ten years. He can't.

"I have to tell somebody, Beckett. I can't just let you hurt yourself!" He exclaims. Panic rises in Kate's chest.

"No!" She blurts a little too loudly. She lowers her voice. "You _cannot _tell anybody about this, it was a one time thing, I swear I won't ever do it again. _Please." _Tears are gathering in her eyes, she's clutching his arm, desperation coloring her voice.

"I-I don't know, I-," he stutters.

"Please, Kevin. I promise I'll never, ever do it again, just don't tell anybody," she pleads, her hands shaking.

"Fine, okay. But, Kate, don't feel like you need to hurt yourself to feel better. You're an amazing person." He touches her shoulder lightly, and tries to smile. His words don't help, because he doesn't know just _how_ weak she is, how long this has been going on. She thanks him anyways.

"Could you tell the boys and the Captain that I went home because I wasn't feeling well or something? I can't go out looking like this," she points to the blood stains on her shirt.

"Oh, um, sure," he replies. She smiles gratefully in return. The smile doesn't reach her eyes.

"Thank you, Kevin. I owe you."

"No problem. I gotta go, and remember, Beckett: You're strong." With that he opens the door and leaves. She's empty inside. She lied to her partner, one of her best friends, she lied, she lied, she lied to all of them. Now she's going to have to go home and try to forget everything. She going to have to bear the burden of guilt, shame and sadness.

She's going to try to not hurt herself.

* * *

Kate walks into her empty and cold apartment. She kicks off her boots, tossing them on the floor. She walks over to her bathroom, sighing in exhaustion. The day has taken a toll on her. She takes off her jacket and turns on the sink, letting the warm water pour over her cuts. They sting. A lot. After drying and bandaging them, she sits on her couch and wonders what she's supposed to do now. Where is she supposed to start?

She sits there, staring out of the window, watching the sun dip behind the gray buildings for hours. She abruptly remembers something, something from her years as a teenager. She needs to know if it's still there. Getting up quickly, she heads to her room and rummages in her closet, looking for a small wooden box. Her hand finally touches its rough edges. She takes it out, and stares at it in wonder. Going back to the living room, she sits down on the couch and opens it. Her fingers graze the sharp edge of the razor, skim over the small bandages hidden there. She can still see the faint blood stains on the sides of the box.

This was her _everything _a couple of years ago. This was her remedy, this was her cure. It stopped her from going over the edge so many times.

A quiet knock shakes her from her trance. She hides the box underneath one of the cushions of the couch carelessly, and answers the door.

It's Castle.

"Uh, Castle, what are you doing here?" She instinctively tugs on her long sleeve, worry knotting her stomach. _Does he know?, _she thinks, dread spreading through her like wildfire.

"I was just seeing how you were doing, Ryan said that you weren't feeling well," he says brightly. Kate lets out the breath she didn't realize she was holding in relief.

"Oh, okay, thanks. Come in," she replies, opening the door wider. He smiles at her.  
"I brought you some dinner, just in case you were hungry. If you aren't hungry, I brought you some movies," he says cheerfully.

"Wow, Castle. Thank you so much. That was sweet of you," she replies, a bit shocked. She was not expecting this. "I'll heat up the dinner."

"No, no, you're sick, I'll do it," insists Castle.

"You've already done enough. It'll only take a second. Want some wine?" Replies Kate, grabbing the bag of food and taking out a bottle of wine.

"Sure." She pours him a glass, and starts to cook the food. He sits on the couch, staring at some of the photos that are on her coffee table. He's chuckling at the adorable photos, Kate is smiling, feeling way better and happier than before. She's so concentrated on the food that she doesn't realize that the chuckling has stopped. Now there's only silence, dead silence.

"Kate, what is this?" He asks. She turns around, and her heart stops, frozen, in her chest. She can't breathe.

He's holding the wooden box in his hand.


	3. One Step Closer

**A/N: Thank you all so, so much for all of your great reviews! It really means a lot. **

**Hope you all enjoy this chapter! **

"Castle, I-I...," she chokes out, barely able to speak. This cannot be happening. It can't. She has to stop him from opening the box, because if he does he will leave her, he will leave and she won't be able to handle that. She will lose his trust, he will think she's a freak, a weak, heartless monster. So she does what first crosses her mind: she grabs the box from him, and clutches it tightly in her hands. She can feel the rough wood digging into her skin, but she doesn't care, all she cares about is protecting her secret, protecting him. His face is stunned.

"I'm sorry, I...I didn't mean to invade. But it was just there and..." His voice trails off as she stares at the ground, shame coloring her cheeks. "Kate, what are those blood stains on the side of the box?" He asks in a low murmur. Concern is clearly etched on his face.

"Um, I-I don't know. The box was my mother's, she gave it to me a couple of days before she died. It's kinda personal, Castle. And they're probably coffee stains or something," she says, turning her face into an impassive mask.

_Liar, liar liar, _her mind whispers darkly. She ignores it.

His face visibly relaxes. However, she knows that he is still suspicious, he knows that something is going on. Hopefully, he'll never find out _exactly _what.

"Oh. Okay. Want some dinner?" He asks. They sit down at the table, smiling, talking and laughing like everything is just fine, like everything is perfect and that they don't have a care in the world. Kate, on the outside, is happy, joyful, doing fine. But on the inside she's crumbling. On the inside, she's broken.

* * *

The next day, she goes to work like every other day. When she arrives at the precinct, the boys greet her with a smile and a small wave. Castle walks in with two coffee cups. She smiles and thanks him. They start working on the case. Just like any other day. But today, today feels different. Today she can feel Ryan staring at her in concern. She sees him glance at her wrists every once in a while, like he's expecting them to be full of fresh cuts or something. She can't concentrate. Not with the urges to cut burning through her, consuming her, suffocating her.

She knows that she won't be able to fight them for much longer, and the day has only started.

Great.

"I think we should do that. Don't you, Beckett?" Asks Esposito, glancing in her direction. She's lost in her own thoughts, not hearing anything they're saying.

"What?" She says, staring at them with a confused expression on her face. Castle and Ryan share a worried look.

"I said, don't you think that you should interrogate our suspect, Angela's boyfriend?" Repeats Esposito. Kate stares at Ryan in a panic. He nods as if saying 'You can do it'.

"Uh, okay."

* * *

"Mr. Adams, you got so angry that she was with someone else that you strangled her to death in her bedroom! And before that, you beat her up," exclaims Kate, standing up and staring at their probable killer, Michael Adams, anger flickering in her eyes. She crosses her arms.

"No, I didn't! I swear! I never hit her even once!" He exclaims, hiding his bruised hands underneath the table, but Kate has already seen them, and so has Castle, who is sitting quietly next to her.

"Michael, you abused her so much that she felt the need to self-harm. You made her feel so _worthless _and so _terrible_ that she cut and burnt herself multiple times. So no, you _do not _get to tell me that you never hurt her," growls Kate. Her hands are shaking slightly. She is so angry, rage is turning her vision red.

He sighs in defeat. "Fine, fine! I strangled her! She was cheating on me and I couldn't take it, after everything that we've been through! That bitch slept with another dude, and then cut herself like a poor little child because she couldn't stand my attitude. She was weak," replies the suspect, leaning back in his chair, an uninterested look on his face. This sends Kate over the edge. She pushes the table into him, knocking his breath out.

"How could you say that?! You have _no idea_ what she was going through. You are the worthless one, you-"

"Kate, that's enough. Let's go," interrupts Castle, grabbing her arm and pulling her out of the room. She grits her teeth, cursing under her breath because he's touching her cuts and it hurts, burns and stings. She shakes him off, tugging on her sleeve.

The Captain calls her into her office.

"Detective Beckett, would you care to explain what kind of behavior that was in there?" Asks Gates, glaring at her.

"Sir, you heard him! He was-" She gets interrupted by the Captain's angry voice.

"Yes, he was way out of line, _but so were you. _I can't have my detectives acting like rookies, Beckett. And these past couple of days you've been very distracted, barely able to work. I need you to shape up, _now. _Understood?" Says Gates, her tone hard and cold.

"Yes, Sir." She bows her head and walks out of the office, feeling terrible. She sits down at her desk and puts her head in her hands, sighing.

"Kate, are you okay?" Asks Castle, sitting down in his chair.

"I'm fine," she says harshly, running a hand through her hair. She starts doing paperwork, doing her best to ignore the thoughts bouncing around in her mind, taunting her, torturing her. Castle says he needs to get home to Alexis, it's family night. She just nods and says goodbye. Ryan and Esposito leave. She's trying to concentrate on the paperwork instead of thinking about breaking skin, dripping blood and wonderful relief. But the more she tries to not think about it, the more she needs it.

She has to stay strong. She needs to stay strong.

She gets up and heads home, desperation blurring everything, making her brain hazy. When she arrives at her apartment, she takes some sleeping pills and climbs into bed. The urges are killing her. Slowly, the drugs pull her under and she drifts off into a fitful, nightmarish slumber.


	4. Drift

**A/N: Thanks for all of your feedback! Hope you like this chapter.**

* * *

_She's at Montgomery's funeral. Everything is the same. The same people are crying, the same people are staring. Only one thing is different: Castle is the one who is standing at the podium, murmuring that same speech, wearing the same uniform. She's standing next to him, her heart throbbing in pain. Everything is so bright, it's too bright. The brightness doesn't match their moods. _

_Suddenly, she sees a flash in the distance. _

_She ignores it. Then she sees it again, behind a gravestone. _

_A sniper. _

"_Rick!" She cries out just as a shot is fired. She tackles him to the ground. She sees the crimson blood on his white gloves. Screams echo in her ears. _

"_Rick, please, you have to stay with me, okay?" She whispers, tears clouding her vision._

_She can see his eyes dull, grow dimmer with each passing second. Her hands search for the wound._

"_Rick, stay with me," she repeats. Tears trickle out of his eyes. "I love you. I love you, Rick," she says in a trembling voice. His eyes light up for an instant but then they glaze over and the lights go out. _

"_No! Rick, oh god, please." She starts to pump his chest, his blood staining her hands. More and more blood pours out of the wound. It soaks her pants, then her shirt. She realizes that her world is filling with his blood. She tries to breathe but can't, the blood is rising, rising, rising. She coughs and gasps. Castle's body floats up, up, up. She clutches onto his hand, screaming silently. It slips out of her grasp and he's gone, gone, gone. She sinks down, unable to breathe, her heart shattered. She drowns in his blood. _

* * *

Kate wakes up gasping. She takes deep breaths, remembering the blood that was drowning her. Castle's blood. Her bullet scar is throbbing painfully, a reminder of everything she lost, everything she's lying about, a reminder of that terrible day. She looks at her watch. It's three thirty-three in the morning. The urges she ignored earlier are back, but now they are even more consuming.

Her hands are itching to grab that razor, itching to make herself bleed and make the pain disappear. She keeps seeing him die. The dream seemed so real, it was so vivid, the _agony _was so real.

No, no she can't do it. She can't fall down that rabbit hole again. She can't hurt the people she loves that way. She can't be so selfish. She can't be so weak. But she was never strong, so being weak doesn't really matter. Her nails are digging into her leg, she grits her teeth, fighting the urge to scream. She _needs _it.

No. She won't do it.

_'Yes, you will,' _whispers the darkest part of her_.'It will make you feel better, just do it, no one will know.' _

Her will to fight the urges is waning, she's growing weaker and weaker. She thinks about Castle, about his blue eyes and mesmerizing lips. About his joy and jokes, about his fierce instinct to protect the people he loves. Then she thinks about how she's lying to him about not remembering her shooting, not remembering those three words he said to her. She's lying and she's hurting him, hurting him more and more each day.

Self-hatred flames up inside of her. She's so weak and stupid. She's selfish and worthless. She doesn't deserve him, he should have somebody better, less broken.

Her mom would know what to do, but she's dead. She's gone and she will never come back.

These thoughts make the urges to cut flare inside of her. She can't fight any longer. She's exhausted of fighting. So she does the only thing she knows how to do in a situation like this: She grabs the box from her closet and opens it, taking out the sharp razor blade. She breathes in deeply, the pain in her chest intensifying. She slides the blade across her arm carefully. The pain fades. Then it's back. Her thoughts are taunting her. But one thought stands out, one thought makes the pain spread all over her body, clouding her mind.

_Who are you?  
Nobody._

She closes her eyes, refusing to let the tears fall. She makes two more cuts, eyes still shut. Warm blood trickles down her arm. The pain is gone, she's on cloud nine. But then she opens her eyes and sees the cuts. They're bleeding a lot. They're really deep, too deep. Panic rises in her chest, she runs to the bathroom and grabs a washcloth, pressing on the cuts. Blood is still seeping out of her arm, and she's freaking out because she's losing too much blood. She applies more pressure to the wounds.

It doesn't work, the cuts are too deep, she's gone too far. She stumbles, dizzy and light-headed. She has to call somebody, or else she'll bleed out and die. And she doesn't want to die, she really, really does not want to die. She also doesn't want to go to the hospital. Tears are pouring out of her eyes. She can't breathe. She's dying, oh my god-

Her hands grab her phone and she dials the first number she sees. She tries to stop the sobs that are choking her. The phone rings three times and then a sleepy voice answers.

"Do we have a case, Beckett?" Asks Castle, his voice slow and tired.

"R-Rick, help me. Please, come over now," she says, her tone urgent and her voice shaking. She applies more pressure to the wounds, but she knows that she's lost too much blood. She can barely stand. Her vision is blurry, her head feels like it's full of cotton.

"What's wrong?" His voice is now alert, and concerned, very concerned. She can hear him grab his keys and open the door.

"I-I can't-just come over before I-" Her legs give out beneath her. She falls to the ground, hitting the side of her head against the bathtub. She hears him talking. It fades in and out. She just wants to sleep. A heavy darkness is pulling her under, sinking her. She struggles to stay awake, knowing that if she falls asleep she might never wake up. However, her eyelids are so heavy. Her body is limp. She sees the blood on the floor. So much red blood. Her eyes close. Her head is pounding, it hurts so much.

"Oh my god, Kate. I'll call an ambulance," is the last thing Kate hears before drifting off.


	5. Shining in the shadows

**A/N: Sorry if there are any mistakes about the medical stuff in this chapter, I don't know much about medicine. I'll also try to update sooner, sorry about that. Hope you like this chapter!**

* * *

A heavy weight is pressing down on her. She fights against it, but it won't budge. It keeps sinking her deeper into the darkness that surrounds her, deeper into oblivion. It's peaceful here. Quiet. No pain. No sound. Nothing except her thoughts.

But where is _here_? What happened? Kate struggles to remember what happened. All she remembers is falling over, a red liquid, and a voice saying her name. Then nothing, blackness. As she mulls this over, she suddenly feels a sharp pain in her head and a dull ache in her wrists. Voices are all around her, yelling, barking out orders to one another.

"_Her heart is failing-"  
"Blood pressure just dropped-"  
"Give me the pallets-" _

Beeps are everywhere. They ring in her ears, bounce around in her skull.

_Am I dying?, _is her last thought before she falls back into oblivion, back into a peaceful state.

* * *

A voice is whispering in her ear. A voice is telling her to please, please wake up. A voice is asking her why, why, why. A voice is apologizing. A hand is tracing small circles on the back of hers. Bright, hot sunlight is shining on her face, making her scowl in discomfort. Slowly, slowly, she opens her eyes, trying to adjust to the dazzling sun. She makes a small sound as pain invades her arm and head, not able to speak.

"Hey, Kate, I'm glad to see that you're finally awake," says Castle, smiling slightly.

"I-I-What happened?" She croaks out, her throat dry as sandpaper. Castle lowers his eyes to the floor, sadness shining in them.

"You cut your wrists and hit your head. You tried to-to end your life," he finally murmurs in a low voice, still not looking at her.

Kate's mind is abruptly flooded with the memory of everything that happened. The dream. The urges. The razor. The cuts, too deep. The blood, everywhere. Calling him, falling. Feeling as though her world had caved in. But she wasn't trying to kill herself. She was trying to survive.

"Rick, could you get me some water, please? I can't really talk," she says hoarsely, touching her throat.

"Sure." He grabs a cup of water and hands it to her. She thanks him, grateful, and takes a big sip. After finishing the water, she speaks.

"Rick, I wasn't trying to kill myself. I was trying to stay alive. I know it's hard to understand, but I couldn't bear the emotional pain, it was going to kill me, so I did this. Except I wasn't careful, I cut too deep, and now I'm here," she says in a quiet voice, afraid of his reaction.

"Kate, I just- I don't know what to say. I never thought that someone like you would do something like this," he replies, squeezing her hand. "But it was only this once, right?" He asks, hope filling his eyes and words. Kate realizes, relieved, that Ryan hasn't told them about the incident in the bathroom.

She averts her eyes from his. She can't talk about this, not now. "Castle, could we not talk about this right now? I'm really tired. We'll talk later, alright? I'm glad to see you."

"Okay. But can the others visit you first? They really want to see you," he says, tucking a stray strand of hair behind her ear, his fingers brushing her face. Kate's cheeks grow warm, her insides turn to mush at his touch.

"Of course," she replies, smiling. He leaves the room.

They are going to kill her. Or hate her. She hurt them so much. She feels tears burning in her eyes, a lump is rising in her throat. She's going to have to face her father, Ryan and Esposito, Lanie. What is she supposed to say to them?

* * *

"Hey," says Ryan, sitting down next to her, clasping his hands in front of him. His eyes are dark and troubled.

"Hey," she replies, not meeting his gaze. She broke her promise. She promised she would never do it again. She promised.

"This is my fault," he mumbles, guilt deepening the lines on his face.

"No, Kevin, this isn't your fault. You didn't put the blade to my wrist. I did this, I am the one to blame. This is _not _your fault," she replies, her voice full of emotion.

"Yeah, but I could've stopped you, I knew about it, I could've done something. I should have told someone, I..." His voice trails off, eyes staring at her bandaged wrist.

"_Kevin_. Listen to me. I would have done it anyway, okay? This is not your fault. None of it is. I know what I did was stupid, reckless and idiotic. I shouldn't have done it but it's-" She cuts herself off, realizing that she was about to open up, about to tell him why, about to tell him that she _needs _it. Like a drug.

"It's what?" He says, staring intently at her face, trying to decipher her, but is interrupted when a doctor comes in.

"Ms. Beckett, I'm glad to see that you're awake and alert. How are you feeling today?" Asks the doctor, taking out her charts.

"Um, fine, my head hurts a little though. So does my arm, but not much."

"That's good. You have a mild concussion, but it will go away soon, you just have to rest. We're also bringing in a psychologist to speak with you later today, if you feel up to it," says the doctor. Kate panics. She doesn't need a psychologist, she's fine! Well, sort of fine. But it wasn't a suicide attempt or anything, it was an accident.  
"I don't need a..." She trails off when she sees Ryan staring at her, pleading to please get help. So she changes the subject. "When will I be able to leave?" She asks, suddenly impatient to get out of this building full of false hope, long corridors and the stench of death lingering in the air.

"Well, we have to keep you under observation because of the concussion and we also need to evaluate your state of mind, to see if your healthy enough mentally to be able to go home and go back to work. So, probably in a couple of days," replies the doctor. He leaves. Kate sighs, suddenly exhausted. Her bones feels like lead. Ryan is still there, still looking at her. He grabs her hand, squeezing it.

"I'm going to let you rest, okay? See you later, Beckett," he says, getting up and leaving, smiling sadly at her one last time. She closes her eyes and falls into a dreamless sleep.


	6. In Pieces

**A/N: Hope you all like this chapter! Sorry if it's a bit short.  
**

* * *

Kate wakes up to voices arguing outside of her room, in the hall. She's still stuck in this hospital, still trapped in her own mind. The voices grow louder, angry and worried.

"Kevin, _you knew about this?_" Hisses a voice that sounds like Castle's. It's shocked and angry.

"Yes, I did, but I promised not to tell anybody if she promised me that she would never do it again, I had no idea how bad it was. I'm sorry, Castle," says Ryan.

"She almost died, Ryan! She could've bled out and-"

"Castle, I'm sorry! The guilt is already killing me, I don't need you to remind me about it, okay?" Replies Ryan, lowering his voice. Castle murmurs something Kate can't quite hear, and opens the door. She closes her eyes, pretending to be asleep. He holds her hand, whispering sweet nonsense into her ear, telling her that he's sorry, so sorry for everything he's ever done that has hurt her. She squeezes his hand, silently saying that she hears him, and that it's okay. Everything is going to be okay. His voice and touch make her slowly fall asleep.

* * *

The psychologist talks to her in a calm voice, but it's cold, like she doesn't really care, like she doesn't want to be here, like she just wants to go home.

"Was this a suicide attempt?" Asks the psychologist.

"No, it was an accident," replies Kate in a monotone voice. She can't open up to this woman. Not to her, not to anybody.

"Do you have a history of self-harm?" She asks, writing something down on her chart. Kate hesitates. She knows that if she says yes, they will make her stay in this hospital longer, but if she lies she'll be able to get out of here sooner.

"Um, just a little." There. A half-truth.

"How long has this been going on?"

"For a couple of weeks," says Kate, still not looking at the therapist.

"Why do you do it?" She asks. Kate runs her hand through her hair, trying to come up with reasonable excuse that won't make her sound insane.

"I-I- I do it to feel better, I guess," she finally croaks out, picking at threads on the blanket that's draped on top of her.

"Okay, that's it for today. Thank you. I'll talk to your doctor and we'll see what we're going to do," says the woman, flashing Kate a small smile. Kate just stares at her, impassive, and nods.

Are they going to have her committed to a mental hospital or something? She's not that bad... Right? Fear shoots through her, making the pain in her wrist intensify. But this time, Kate doesn't ask for more painkillers. She welcomes the aching in her arm. It numbs everything else slightly.

* * *

"Kate," says a voice, pulling her out of her nap. She looks over at Castle, who's standing by the door.

"Y-Yeah?" She stutters, surprised by his presence.

"I brought you some flowers," he says as he walks over to her bed, putting the purple lilacs on her nightstand.

"Thank you. They're beautiful," she replies, admiring the bouquet, a smile gracing her lips.

"You're welcome. I also wanted to tell you that you can go home today, Kate. The psychologist said that you're not in danger of, um, suicide. But you have to go to mandatory therapy for a couple of weeks before going back to work," says Castle with a smile that doesn't reach his eyes.

"That's good-I guess. Better news than I thought," she says, also trying to smile. The atmosphere is tense, worried, heavy. It presses down on her shoulders, making her clench her hands into tight fists, nails digging into the palms of her hands.

"Yeah," he responds, eyes staring at the floor. The silence stretches out, grating on Kate's nerves, it's too silent. The air is too heavy, it's strangling her. She has to leave. Just then, a nurse comes in with some of her clothes.

"Kate? Here are some clothes. We can leave whenever you're dressed and ready."

* * *

The doctors gave her anti-depressants. Castle drove her back to her apartment. The ride was silent, the only sound coming from the rain pinging on the roof of the car. When they got there, he told her to stay strong. She thanked him. He left. Now, she's sitting on her couch, staring at the bottle of little white pills. She doesn't want to take them. She really doesn't. They'll make her feel empty, emotionless. She's read the side-effects. They sound like they will make her feel worse instead of better.

So she throws them away. She doesn't need them.

She walks over to her bathroom with a mop. She gasps at all of the blood, her blood, the reality of it all hitting her like a ton of bricks. _She lost so much blood_. Pain crashes down on her. She almost died. She almost killed herself. Why? Because of a couple of memories and scars? Kate scoffs at herself, self-loathing burning inside of her. She's so weak and worthless.

She's supposed to be strong. She's supposed to be Detective Beckett, hard-as-nails, never-flinching Detective Beckett. Not _this._ Not cuts and blood and scars and tears-

Tears. Tears are now welling up in her eyes, but she refuses to let them fall, shutting her eyes tightly. Her whole body is shaking with disappointment and hatred that's bubbling up inside of her, threatening to explode. Her hand squeezes her bandaged arm, her breathing unsteady and rapid.

An urge to scream is building up inside her chest, choking her. She slams her fist into the wall, letting out a groan. She lets one, _only one, _tear trickle down her cheek. She then wipes it away, stands up straight, and hardens her features into a stony, void-of-any-emotion mask. She takes a deep breath.

_Welcome back, Detective Beckett._


	7. Falling

She's back at work after mandatory therapy. Lots of useless therapy. Her therapist was an old lady that smelled like hard candy and didn't care, not really. But she was "the best", according to her doctor. Although it might have been Kate's fault too, she didn't really try to get better or think about what she had done. Too painful.

She gets to the precinct early, before anyone is there. She wants it to be a normal day, no applause because she's back, no strange looks. But she knows that it will not be a normal day. Her days are never normal now. They are full of loneliness, turmoil and internal battles. She hasn't cut in three weeks. Three long, miserable, weeks. Except for Castle's visits. He'd visit her every couple of days, they'd have dinner and talk about Alexis, his books, murder cases, anything that wasn't her self-harm. She told him that she wouldn't, _couldn't_, talk about it, she wanted to forget about it for an hour or so. He brought her flowers every time.

It was the only thing that helped.

However, she still couldn't help but notice his lingering stares on her wrists, his eyes flashing with pity for a second before he could hide it. His worry. His sadness. It broke her heart a little more each time, she hated seeing him so hurt. It made her want to cut. So, so badly. But she didn't, she didn't and it's killing her.

Kate sits down at her desk, taking out files and paperwork that she has to give to Gates. She sighs, staring at his chair, lost in her own little world. Suddenly, somebody clears their throat. She snaps her head up quickly, focusing her vision on Esposito and Ryan.

"Yeah?" She asks, faking a smile.

"Just wanted to welcome you back, Beckett," replies Esposito, smiling at her.

"Thanks, guys. I'll be right back, I have to give these-" she points at the paperwork, "-to the Captain."  
"Okay," they say in unison. Kate chuckles and gets up, walking over to the Captain's office, breathing deeply. She hardens her features and walks in.

* * *

The smell of coffee invades her senses. Instantly, she knows who is nearing her desk without looking up.

"Hey, Castle," she says.

"Hi, Kate. Brought you some coffee." He places the cup on her desk, sitting down his chair.

"Thanks," she replies, taking a sip. Feels like a normal day, him bringing her coffee, sitting down next to her.

It's not. She can feel the stares. She can hear the whispers, the rumors.

"_Castle found her half-dead."  
"She's probably suicidal."  
"She shouldn't be here, she's a hazard."_

The pity in everyone's eyes, them being extra nice, like she's made of porcelain, about to break. They are driving her _insane. _She's not going to break. At least not where everyone can see. That would be stupid. She's not weak. Not here. She glares at the people staring, and they scramble back to work. She slowly works through the mountain of paperwork on her desk while talking to Castle about a case Ryan and Esposito are working on, trying to distract herself.

* * *

It's so hard. The whispers and stares are starting to get to her, she's starting to _believe _them, just a little. Little by little, her façade is cracking, breaking, falling to pieces. She's slowly falling to pieces. Seconds turn to minutes, minutes to hours. The day is slipping away, slowly, slowly. Her breathing accelerates as anger burns through her. Why the hell won't the whispers _shut up? _

She looks up, trying to find the culprits, but finds that nobody is near her. Nobody is whispering. What? She's been hearing them for hours. She looks behind her. No one.

"Kate? You alright?" Asks Castle, touching her shoulder. He follows her gaze, his brow furrowing.

She shakes her head, lowering her head. "Y-Yeah, I'm fine. Tired, that's all." She's going crazy. She swears she heard those people, all day. In the morning there were actual people there, but after? Was there anybody near her? She can't remember, she was so absorbed in work. Sighing, she rubs her temples, an ache in her head starting to form.

_It's almost time to go home, two more hours Kate. Two more hours until you can go home, _she tells herself, staring at the clock. She impatiently waits, and waits. Castle keeps staring at her like he knows that she's not okay, so she tries to erase all traces of emotion from her face.

"Kate, are you sure you're okay?" He asks again, looking into her eyes.

"I'm fine, Castle, okay? I'll be fine. Thanks for asking," she replies, faking a small smile. It seems to be convincing, because he nods and stops prying. She lets out a small breath in relief. She's going to have to get better at hiding her feelings, at faking smiles.

She gets lost in work again, ignoring everything around her. Time passes quickly. When she glances at the clock again, she realizes that two hours have passed and she can finally go home. She puts the files away and gets up, putting her coat on. Castle gets up as well.

"Hey, Kate? I was wondering... Do you want to have dinner tonight? I know we had dinner yesterday but I thought that maybe you would want some company?" He asks nervously.

"Um, sorry, Rick, I'm really too tired. Rain check?" She says, feeling bad. But he can't be there when she crumbles. He can't see her like that again.

"Sure, maybe in a couple of days. Until tomorrow, detective," he says, concern and doubt tainting his words. She can see him shake his head, as if he's telling himself that she'll be fine, he shouldn't worry so much.

"Goodnight, Castle."

* * *

She can't do it. She can't keep fighting them, the urges. These three weeks have been _hell_. She's holding the razor in her hand, it's hovering above her hip. She can hide it better there. Her hand is shaking. She can't decide. She has to do it. No, she's been clean for three weeks. That's an accomplishment, right?

But it hurts so much. Her heart is throbbing in pain, in desperation. She wants it. She _needs _it. She needs that high, she needs to see the crimson blood seeping out of her body. She needs to feel the cold metal against her skin.

She's weak. She's worthless. She's a liar. Why should she be happy? She doesn't _deserve _to be happy. She doesn't deserve anything.

The razor is inching towards her skin slowly. Pressure is building in her chest, scalding tears are pooling in her eyes. It reaches her skin. She presses down, and slides it across. Small drops of blood drip to the floor. She's careful, it's not too deep. It's shallow. She then puts the blade away and sobs, guilt consuming her. She's falling off the edge again, and this time, she knows that she's not going to be able to stop. Nobody is going to catch her.

_I'm so sorry. _


	8. Decay

**A/N: This chapter is set after 47 Seconds. Hope you like it! Reviews are love. :)  
**

* * *

_"You want to know trauma? I was shot in the chest and I remember every second of it!"_

* * *

"Hey, Castle. Where were you earlier?" Asks Kate when she sees Castle nearing her desk, a somber expression on his face.

"I just needed to clear my head," he replies, averting his gaze from hers. She can see something in his eyes, some emotion that she can't identify. She lets it slide, concentrating on the case.

"How are you?" He asks a few minutes later, breaking the silence that has settled around them.

"I'm fine," she replies, looking at him and smiling slightly. She can see that he believes her. Relief washes through her, but a small part of her wishes he'd notice, notice the pain and guilt lurking in her eyes. She wishes that he'd brush her hip, see her flinch and realize it's still going on. She wishes he would stop her, because she knows that she won't be able to stop on her own.

"I'm glad," he murmurs. Something in his voice isn't right. He seems distant. Suddenly, Kate realizes what she's hearing: resentment, pain.

That doesn't make sense. Unless...Unless he has realized what a broken person she is. Unless he has finally realized that he deserves something better. Unless he hates her for what she's done, all of the selfish pain she's put him through. Unless he's realized how weak she actually is, and doesn't want to be with someone so worthless. That all makes perfect sense.

She stares at him, pain filling her from head to toe. Hatred directed towards herself flares up inside of her, but she pushes it down, down, down. She ignores her feelings and dives into the case, not resting or letting herself feel until it's finished.

* * *

Castle is trying to be there for her, he really is, but she can see that it's an effort. She can see the resentment and hurt beneath his smile, the pain clouding his eyes. She sees it every time she glances over at him.

They are driving back from Queens after talking to a suspect. The atmosphere is tense and heavy, like the calm before a storm. It's dark and pouring rain outside. They're on a quiet road, not near the city.

"Kate, why do you keep doing it? Why do you keep self-harming?" He suddenly asks, making Kate flinch internally.

"I'm not, not anymore," she mumbles, keeping her eyes locked on the road in front of her. The lie flows out easily, she sounds so convincing. Why is it so easy to lie to her friends? It shouldn't be this easy.

"Yeah, but I'm wondering about the two times before. I just don't understand why," he replies, looking over at her.

"I-I... Do we really have to talk about this?" She quickly looks at him, her eyes pleading.

"Yes. I'm sorry, but we do. We never talk about anything. We need to start talking about everything that has happened, we can't keep ignoring it anymore," he says in a low voice.

"Alright, um." She's getting distracted. She can't do this, he can't know. He'll hate her more. But she has to tell him. "I did it because of, well, everything. My mom, my dad, the memories. Just... Everything that has happened recently. All of the pain. I wanted to erase it all. The nightmares about-"

"Kate!" He abruptly shouts, his eyes widening. She sees bright headlights, headlights heading straight towards them. Her knuckles turn white and she swerves, avoiding the oncoming car. Relief sweeps through her. But, suddenly, without warning-

Leaves. A tree looming in front of them. A voice screaming. Glass shattering, metal crunching, her world flipping upside down, pain everywhere. Red hot pain rips through her, threatening to tear her apart. She screams in agony.

Then darkness.

* * *

Kate opens her eyes, dazed and confused. Her world seems distorted, fractured, lopsided. She can barely breathe. What happened? A car crash?

The airbag is inflated, it probably saved her life. She feels a warm liquid trickle down her forehead, blinding her right eye. She tastes the blood in her mouth. Okay. She has a head injury. That is bad. She looks at her hands. They are bleeding. She's bleeding. She just sits there, shock numbing her emotions.

_Oh god, Castle._

Adrenaline shoots through her, and she quickly looks over at his seat. She sees him, although something is wrong with his face. It has pink droplets of water running down it. The car is on it's side.

Crap, the rain. His blood.

Cold rain means hypothermia. Hypothermia means high risk of death, especially when he's wounded like this. Wait, why is he unconscious? Something is missing, something doesn't seem right. Kate gasps when she realizes the cause: His airbag never inflated.

Right then, panic sets in. She sees glass on his face. Glass in his hair. Blood pooling on his seat, on the ground. Rain dripping through the shattered windows. His leg is twisted at a strange angle.

"R-Rick?" She chokes out, her face paling when he doesn't reply. "Castle?" She touches his shoulder. No response. She looks for a pulse. She feels a weak heartbeat that is slowly fading.

_Kate, you need to call 911. He's dying._

She reaches for her cellphone in her pocket. Her heart jumps because it isn't there and they _need_ that phone. She searches the car for it. Finally, her freezing fingers grab the phone. She tries to turn it on. She then realizes it's smashed, unusable. She searches Castle for his phone, and finds it in his pocket, still working. She dials 911 blindly, barely able to hold the phone because her hand hurts, it hurts so much. Is her hand broken?

The operator answers, asking what kind of emergency she is having.

"We-We were in an accident. A car accident. There was a tree and then-then we j-just crashed and flipped. Rick-he isn't moving. Oh my God," she croaks out, shaking.

"Where are you?"

"Near Queens, on a side road-I'm not exactly s-sure where," she stutters, terror coursing through her. What if they are stuck here, what if they freeze or bleed out before they get here?

"Okay. Medical services will be there shortly," says the operator, hanging up. Kate leans back, the pain of her injuries finally catching up with her. She grabs Castle's limp hand, squeezing it tightly.

"Rick, keep holding on, okay? We are going to be okay," she murmurs, her lips blue. "Rick, stay with me. You need to stay with me!" She cries out, the fear of losing him overwhelming her. Tears sting her eyes, and this time, she lets them fall. He can't die. He can't, he can't, he can't.

"I'm sorry, Castle. For everything. I'm so sorry," she whispers as a burning agony settles into her bones, makes her eyelids droop and her head go hazy. If she sleeps, she may sleep forever.

_But does she really want to wake back up? What if he's gone?_

With that, her eyes drift shut and her world fades to black.


	9. Say Goodnight

Bright, blinding lights shine above her, making her squint. She struggles to breathe, a throbbing pain is invading her head and hand. She looks around her, and she quickly realizes where she is. She's in a hospital. Again. All she remembers is the crash and Castle not moving-

Oh God. Castle.

Somebody is holding the hand that isn't broken. Her father.

"Katie? How are you feeling?" He asks. She groans in response.

She finally finds her voice. "D-Dad? Where's C-Castle?" She chokes out, fear coursing through her. He looks down, not meeting her gaze. "Dad? Where is he?" She's panicking now. What if he's g-gone?

"He's in surgery. We still don't know anything yet," he replies, squeezing her hand. She exhales and closes her eyes for a second, her brow furrowing in worry. She did this, she might have killed him. She crashed the car and now he's dying and-

"Well, sweetie, I'll let you rest and I'll update you on what's going on as soon as I know anything, alright?" He kisses the top of her head, and leaves. She sighs, slipping into a drug induced sleep.

* * *

Somebody is touching her shoulder, trying to wake her. She slowly opens her eyes, looking over at Lanie.

"Yeah?" She asks, yawning.

"Hey. I have good news: Castle is out of surgery and is awake. He had some complications, but he's doing alright," says Lanie, smiling.

"Oh, thank God. Am-Am I allowed to see him?" Relief fills her. He's okay, he's going to be fine, she thinks.

"Um, I don't know. I'll go ask a doctor." Lanie leaves the room. Kate relaxes, so happy that he is alright. She was so scared that she was going to lose him. A few minutes later, Lanie comes back in, followed by a young doctor.

"Okay, Ms. Beckett, you can go see him, but on one condition: You only get to stay for twenty minutes, no more, no less. We don't want you guys to strain yourselves." She nods and a nurse brings in a wheelchair. Kate climbs in carefully, wincing when she feels her injuries burn. They bring her to his room.

She takes deep breaths, suddenly scared. What is waiting for her behind that door? How bad was he hurt that he needed surgery? The door opens, revealing Martha and Alexis sitting beside a bed, talking. They turn around, and greet her enthusiastically. They tell her how glad they are that she's okay. She thanks them.

"Kate?" She hears Castle say, surprise and happiness tinging his words. The doctor brings her over to him. Alexis and Martha leave the room, giving them some privacy.

"Hey, Castle," she replies, staring at him. His foot and arm are in a cast and his head is bandaged. He looks terrible. She feels guilt swallow her whole. She did this.

"How are you, Kate?" He asks, touching her hand.

"I've been better. I would ask how you are, but it's clear that you're not doing very well," she says, a smile tracing her lips.

"Yeah," he says. She bites her lip, looking down.

"Castle, I'm so sorry. I-I... The car-it spun out of control. I'm sorry," she says, tears welling up in her eyes.

"No, Kate, this isn't your fault. Don't apologize," he replies, touching her chin and meeting her gaze. "It was an accident, okay? An accident."

She nods, smiling at him. "Thanks. I needed that."

He smiles in return. His eyes are bright one second, and then, suddenly, they're closed and he's still. A frantic beeping fills the room, doctors and nurses rush into the room. Her smile fades.

"He's crashing!" Yells one of the doctors, pressing down on his chest.

"What's happening?! Is he dying? Castle, Rick-" She cries out, reaching out to him. A doctor pushes her hand out of the way.

"Get her out of here!" Says somebody. Then they are wheeling her away, and she feels moisture drip down her cheeks because he's dying and she can't do anything about it. Her heart rate picks up, she's telling the nurse to take her back there, she needs to know what is going on. The nurse refuses and takes her back to her room. They put her back in bed.

She fights them.

They tell her that she's going to hurt herself is she doesn't stop.

"I don't care! Just let me go see-," she exclaims, trying to get back up. Something is pushed into her IV tube. She feels a sense of calm and heaviness settle over her an instant later.

They're sedating her.

"No! Don't sedate me, I'm fine I... I just want...," she trails off as she her eyelids droop. She fights the sleepiness, fights the sedative, but she eventually loses and drifts off into a dreamless sleep. Whenever she tries to wake up, the drugs push her back under.

_Castle...,_ Is her last thought.

* * *

A voice is talking. Right next to her. It's saying something, something important, but the words are garbled and they are blending together. She struggles to open her eyes, to pull herself out of her slumber. Finally, she opens her eyes quickly, gasping. Her doctor is talking to a nurse.

"Rick, is-is he okay? Is he alive?" She asks the doctor, her voice breaking. He looks over at her, worry glinting in his eyes.

"Ms. Beckett, he had a heart attack. We managed to revive him, but he's very unstable. He's in danger of crashing again," says the doctor, clasping his hands in front of him.

"Why? Why did he have a heart attack?" She asks, sitting up.

"We believe it was from the surgery. We had to stop some internal bleeding. His body couldn't take the strain we put it through. We will keep him under observation until the risks of this happening again go down," answers the doctor. Kate inhales a shaky breath.

"O-Okay. Thanks." She closes her eyes, pretending to sleep. She just wants to be left alone. The doctor leaves. All that she's left with is silence and the constant sound of her heart monitor, the only thing that is telling her that she's alive, even though, on the inside, she feels numb and dead.


	10. By Tomorrow

**A/N: Thank you all so, so much for all of your follows, reviews and favorites! You really make my day. Seriously, thank you. Hope you enjoy this chapter!**

* * *

Every morning, she visits him. Every morning, she tells him to wake up, to please wake up. She tells him stories about her childhood. She apologizes. She holds his hand. She heals while he sleeps, stuck in a coma. _A coma._

He still hasn't woken up. It's been a week since he slipped into it. The doctors say that it's because of the trauma he suffered.

She's being discharged tomorrow. She will have to go back to work, she will have to work the cases without him by her side. She knows that she's perfectly capable of doing it without him, it's just that she doesn't want to. She's going to miss him there. They all are.

"Rick, I'm going back to work tomorrow," she says to him. The only reply she gets is the sound of his heart monitor, of his even breaths. "Please wake up. If you can hear me, please wake up. Alexis and Martha are really worried, so are the boys at the precinct. So am I. Castle, _please_," she whispers, tears burning her eyes, a hint of desperation tinting her voice.

_What if he never wakes up?_

She pushes that thought out of her head, and heads back to her room, a blanket of sadness weighing her down. She may be losing hope, but she will never give up. She will keep on hoping and praying that one day, he will wake up. He needs to wake up. Sighing, Kate gets into bed and tries to fall asleep to get away from the pain, guilt and worry that are chewing her up on the inside.

* * *

She's back at work. Again. It's the same deal: Paperwork to Gates, applause, smiling, being welcomed back. Ryan and Esposito are really glad that she's here. They ask about Castle, how he is doing. She just shakes her head and tells them that he's still the same as before. Their smiles fade. So does hers. She stares at his chair and works on a murder case, working into the late hours of the night so that she doesn't have to go home.

But Ryan forces her. "You need rest, Beckett. Go home, the case will still be here in the morning."

She nods and heads back to her empty, cold apartment, full of dark memories, dark thoughts and lurking shadows.

She's scared. Scared of herself, of what she might do. The need fills her, all consuming, devastating need. She tries to fight it, for Castle. He wouldn't want her to do this. She tries to fight it, she really does, but she just can't stop thinking about how this is her fault. About how Martha might lose a son and Alexis a father. About how he may never wake up. Never breathe, or laugh, or smile again. Those thoughts are her undoing.

She makes two small cuts on her hip. Then one more. But that's it.

For tonight. And she feels_ proud_ that she was able to control herself that much. She thought that she would've done more damage, considering the emotional pain she's in.

She goes to bed, praying that tomorrow he will wake up.

_Tomorrow will be the day_, she thinks as tendrils of sleep wrap around her mind, pulling her under. _Tomorrow, he will wake up._

* * *

He doesn't wake up that day. She visits him after work, telling him all about the new case. She talks to him like he's awake, she tries to make it more normal, but the burning on her hip and the beep of his heart monitor keep reminding her that, no, this is not normal. He's in a coma, a freaking coma. She leaves, heading back to work.

_Tomorrow, tomorrow will be the day._

* * *

More cuts appear on her hips with every day that passes. Each time, a little bit deeper. She always needs more. It's been three weeks, now. The doctors are worried. She is worried. Everyone is worried. She visits Castle everyday, sometimes with Martha and Alexis, sometimes not. They talk to him, bring him flowers. Their eyes fills with tears. Ryan and Esposito visit as well.

Kate has gotten really good at faking a smile, she's perfected her mask. They think that she's fine, sad, but fine.

_If only they knew..._

Every night, Kate tells herself that tomorrow will be the day, that tomorrow he will wake up. By tomorrow, he will be okay. It's the only thing that keeps her from going completely insane, apart from tearing open her own skin and feeling the rush, the high, the disappearance of pain during an instant. Those things are the only things that keep the overwhelming darkness at bay.

* * *

Kate has had a particularly rough day at work when she visits him. Ryan almost got shot, their suspect got away. Her head is pounding. She's tired, exhausted, worried. Her eyes are bloodshot due to lack of sleep. Her hands are shaking when she sits down. Today, she is alone. Just her and her thoughts.

She rubs the back of his hand mindlessly, lost in her own little world. She thinks about life and death, how fragile humans really are. She thinks about all of her mistakes. About Castle's smile, laugh, about his lips and voice. About his jokes and joy. She's so deep in thought that she doesn't hear a small whimper, she doesn't realize that his eyes are slowly opening, not until he squeezes her hand.

"Rick? Castle? You-You're awake," she stutters, her heartbeat pounding loudly in her ears. She barely dares to hope. He just groans in response, but Kate can see a smile on his lips, and she knows that he's here, he's conscious.

His eyes slowly close again, and Kate panics, calling a nurse. What if he goes back into a coma? A doctor walks in.

"He just woke up two seconds ago, and now he's back asleep. Is-Is he in a coma again?" She exclaims, panicked. The doctor does a quick check-up, and smiles at her.

"Kate, sometimes it takes days for a person to completely wake up from a coma. He is conscious, though. It is a very good sign that he opened his eyes earlier. We'll just have to keep waiting," says the doctor, taking out a chart and writing something down.

"Oh, okay. Can we still visit him?" She asks.

"Of course you can. Just call someone if he wakes up, no matter what, alright?"

"Okay," she replies. The doctor nods and leaves.

Today was the day, she thinks, smiling and calling Martha and Alexis to tell them the great news._  
_


	11. In the Shallows

**A/N: Hello! This chapter is set in/after the episode "Always." **

**I also won't be able to update as often anymore, since I'm in the middle of moving away and school starts soon, but I'll try to update every week. Hope you enjoy the chapter. Bye!**

* * *

When Castle walks into the precinct, he's carrying two cups of coffee and has a smile on his face. People welcome him back, smiling. He walks over to her desk, handing her the coffee, eyes shining.

"I'm so glad you're back, Rick," she says, a grin spreading across her face.

"Me too. Hospitals are really boring, you know," he replies, sitting down next to her.

"Yeah, I know. Uh, Castle, I need to tell you-" She's saying, when Ryan interrupts them, talking about a new case.

She was so close. She was about to tell him about what she's been doing recently, how she's relapsed. Too late. They grab their coats and head over to the crime scene, enjoying the normalcy of it.

* * *

Her shoulders and arms and fingers scream in agony as she hangs from the rooftop. She tries to pull herself up, her feet search for a foothold frantically, but she can't find one.

She's slipping, falling.

"Castle!" She screams as she looks down, vertigo and fear overpowering her.

"Beckett!" He replies, his voice far away. One of her arms slips, now she's only holding on by her fingertips.

She can't die like this. She can't give up.

_Come on, Kate, keep holding on,_ she thinks, looking up.

The memories of their fight flood her mind. He said it was over. That they were_ done_. She can't leave things like this.

"Castle!" She yells again. He replies again, his voice getting closer and closer.

"_Castle!_" She screams because she's falling, falling and he's too late-

A hand grips her arm, pulling her up. It's Ryan. Relief flows through her, until she sees Gates staring at her, anger hardening her features.

* * *

Kate tries to call Castle repeatedly. She can barely think straight as she quickly walks over to his loft, rain blinding and soaking her. He doesn't answer. She isn't thinking straight, her brain is hazy and clouded from guilt and regret. All she knows is that she has to apologize, she has to fix things with him. She can't stand the thought of never seeing him again.

She's at his door. Her hands are shaking slightly, but she knocks, shivering. He opens the door.

"Beckett, what do you want?" His voice is cold.

"You," she says, stepping in and kissing him. He pulls away, a shocked look on his face.

"I'm so sorry, Castle. I'm so sorry." Tears are dripping down her face, burning.

"What happened?" He asks.

"He got away, and I didn't care. I almost died, and all I could think about was you. I just want you." She tries to kiss him again. She touches his face.

Then, suddenly, his lips are on hers, his lips are on her neck, his hands are on her hips, pulling up her shirt-

Ouch. It stings. She suddenly freezes, wincing.

He stops, his fingers touching her cuts and scars lightly. He looks down, pain and shock written all over his face. He backs up.

"K-Kate, what are these? When did you do this?" He asks, voice trembling.

"I-I... A few weeks ago. I'm sorry. I swear I'll stop-" He interrupts her.

"Kate, no! Stop promising these things if you can't go through with them. You can't tell me that you're going to stop when you aren't! I thought you were doing better, I thought therapy helped. Why can't you just stop?" He exclaims, eyes wide.

"Rick, it's not something I can just turn off. It's something that I can barely control! I can't just stop, cold turkey. It's... Complicated. I've been doing this for a long time, it's part of my life." She says, breathing hard. She just confessed. Her feelings are raw.

"A long time? How long?" His voice is softer now. He walks over to the couch, sitting down, rubbing his temples. Crap, this is the part he doesn't know about.

"Since... Since my mom died. I stopped for a few years, but I-I just relapsed. I don't know." She sits down next to him. He looks up, startled.

"I had no idea. Do Lanie and the boys know about this? Do they know that it has been going on so long?" He asks. Kate shakes her head.

"They think I'm fine. They think that the therapy helped. It didn't, Castle. I didn't want the help," she replies, shame coloring her cheeks. A shiver goes through her as she feels the cold set into her bones. He sighs, shaking his head.

"Oh, Kate. How about you go take a shower while I make us some hot chocolate and find some clothes for you, okay?" He says, putting a hand on her shoulder. She nods and gets up, heading over to the bathroom.

* * *

She's sitting on his couch, sipping the hot chocolate. It warms her up and reminds her of better days, days when her mother was alive and she was whole, not broken and weak.

"Hey, Kate, would you want to stay here tonight? You don't have to or anything, I just thought that it would be easier for you...," he trails off, staring at her.

"Uh, sure. I'll sleep here on the couch." She can feel the exhaustion weigh her down, making her eyelids grow heavy.

"Okay. I'll get some sheets and a pillow for you. Goodnight, Kate," he replies, smiling softly at her.

"Night. Oh, and, Castle? Thank you," she says, tucking a stray strand of hair behind her ear.

"Always."

* * *

She wakes up screaming, terror coursing through her, sweat running down her forehead. A figure is nearing her.

"Kate? Are you alright?" Asks Castle, concern deepening his voice.

"I'm-I'm fine, Castle. Just a nightmare, that's all," she replies, breathing hard.

"Want to talk about it?"

"Um, no thanks. Go back to bed, Castle. I'm fine, really," she replies, closing her eyes once again.

"If you're sure," he says. She hears him go back to his room.

* * *

The scent of waffles and coffee wake her up. Voices are talking. Various voices. She sits up, looking around, disoriented. Why is she at Castle's loft? Then she remembers the kiss, the cuts, the hot chocolate, the nightmare. She looks over at the kitchen. A small gasp escapes her, and they look over. Castle, Lanie, her father, Ryan and Esposito are here. Eating breakfast, drinking coffee. What the...?

"Um, hi?" She says, getting up quickly, trying to straighten her tangled hair.

"Hey, Kate. We need to talk," says Esposito, a worried look on his face.

"Can I get dressed first?" She says, staring at them, still clueless about what is going on.

"Oh, yeah, of course. Your clothes are in the dryer." Castle runs a hand through his hair.

Why are they all so nervous?

* * *

After getting dressed and cleaned up, Kate goes back to the kitchen, trying to act normal, even though butterflies are bouncing around in her stomach.

"Sit down," says Lanie. Kate obeys, shooting her a look.

"What's going on, guys?" She asks, laughing nervously.

"We need to talk about some of your habits, Kate," replies Ryan.

Realization dawns on her.

"Is this some kind of intervention?" She says, wide-eyed. _He told all of them?_ A flash of anger runs through her, and she glares at Castle.

"Uh, well, yeah," responds Castle, handing her a cup of coffee. She takes it, still shocked.

"Okay. What do you want to talk about?" She says in a calm voice even though she's freaking out on the inside.

"Your self-harm. Rick told us what happened last night, what he saw on your hips," replies her father, his eyes shining with sadness.

"I thought that you were getting better, going to therapy. I was so worried, Kate, so worried. But I knew that you wanted space, so I gave it you. If I had known, I would've done something, I...," Lanie trails off, clasping her hands in front of her.

"Hey, this isn't your fault. This isn't any of your faults. It's all mine. I did this to myself, I'm the one to blame here. Don't feel bad, you didn't make me do this. It's all in my head, okay?" She replies, her eyes burning with unshed tears. She will not cry, not today.

"But we should have done something, after you almost died! We were stupid, thinking that you needed space. You almost bled to death, Kate. And we did _nothing_ to see if you were okay, we just ignored it! So it is our faults," exclaims Ryan, his eyes dark.

"No, Ryan. It is not your fault. I've been doing this since my mother died, it is all my fault!" She blurts, standing up, pacing, biting her lip.

_Keep it together, Kate. Stay strong._

Silence reigns the room. She can't do this, she can't see all of their pain and guilt on display, all of the pain that she caused. It makes her want to breakdown and she will not do that, not in front of them.

"I gotta go," she says quickly, turning around and heading towards the door. Fleeing, running. Like always.

"Kate, wait!"


	12. Don't Bring Me Down

She spins around, anger surging through her. "_What?_" She spits out, venom seeping into her voice.

"Kate, please, stay. Listen to what we have to say," he says calmly. This angers her even more, how calm he is.

"You had _no right_ to tell them about what happened last night! It was personal, you should have asked me first," she whispers harshly, glancing over at Lanie, Ryan, Esposito and her father.

"I needed to tell them! You won't listen to anybody, and what I saw last night was the last straw. I can't just stand around while you destroy yourself," he exclaims, his voice rising.

"Castle, I thought I could trust you! I thought I could confide in you because I thought that you wouldn't tell anybody! It was hard enough having you know, but them... I don't want to hurt them this way again." Tears sting her eyes. She balls her hands up in fists.

"_You need help_. What if you slip and cut too deep again? What if you go too far? I cannot lose you again, Kate. Please, just listen to what we have to say, please," he says, lowering his voice, his eyes pleading. She bites her lip, her anger fading when she sees his pain and helplessness. She would've done the same thing.

"Okay," she murmurs, lowering her head.

"Thank you," he says, smiling encouragingly at her. She just nods and walks back to the kitchen, her heart beating erratically.

"I'll hear what you have to say," she says, sitting down. They smile warmly at her.

"Katie, you're my daughter. I know I've made mistakes, I know that I've done things to numb the pain as well, but I just don't want you to hurt yourself. I want you to be happy," says her father.

"I-I know, Dad. It's just-I don't know if I...," she trails off, afraid to let them in, afraid that she's going to hurt them even more. She can't do that.

"Go ahead," urges Lanie.

"It's just that I-I don't know if I'm going to be able to...Stop," she chokes out, avoiding their gazes, shame filling her.

"Sweetie, you_ can_ stop, I know you can," replies Lanie. Pity is written all over their faces. They see her as a weakling, something broken, that needs to be fixed. It makes her want to scream. She doesn't reply.

"We're sending you to therapy, but this time, to Dr. Burke. He knows you," says Castle, touching her hand. She stares at him as shock and fear runs through her.

No, no, not Dr. Burke. She's going to disappoint him, she knows it. He'll make her face her real feelings, make her dig deep down, and she's not ready to do that.

"Your appointment is at nine tomorrow morning."

* * *

Her hands are shaking as she knocks on the door. She takes a shaky breath, trying to calm her nerves. Dr. Burke opens the door, smiling at her. She smiles weakly back at him, and walks in.

"So, tell me, Kate. What brings you here today?" He asks, sitting down in one of the familiar leather chairs.

"Castle forced me," she says, sitting on the edge of her seat.

"Okay, and why is that?" He asks. She puts her head in her hands, sighing. They never talked about her self-harm in her sessions, she never told him. And now she's going to let another person down. Great.

"I-I... I've been having some problems, and he noticed." She looks up.

"What kind of problems?" The dreaded question.

_He wants to help, Kate. Tell him_, she thinks to herself, trying to find her voice.

"I've been... I've been self-harming. Cutting myself. He saw and now I'm here," she replies in a small voice. Dr. Burke looks surprised for a second, then he regains his calm demeanor.

"And why is that?" He asks while writing something down on a chart.

"I don't know. Just-just everything. My mother, my father, work, triggers... Sadness," she says, getting up and pacing.

"How long ago did it start?"

"After my mom was killed. I stopped for a few years, but I relapsed not too long ago. Now I just can't stop. I can't. Even though I almost bled to death once, when I'm in that dark place, I can't control myself," she replies, running a hand through her hair.

"How does cutting make you feel?"

"It makes me feel... Better. It takes away the pain for a while, it makes me feel like I'm floating. But then I crash and I need more. I always need more." She's really opening up now. She's opening up and she's surprised that it doesn't feel terrible. It actually feels liberating.

"Well, do you_ want_ to stop? Do you really want my help? Do you really want to stop this addiction?" He asks, clasping his hand in front of him. She furrows her brow. Does she want to stop, does she really want to stop?

"Yes, I do. But how can I stop it? It controls me," she asks.

"That's what I'm here for."

* * *

She's holding the razor in her hand, it's hovering above her arm. Waves of pain crash over her, and she knows that she can make them stop with a cut. A simple cut. But this time, she's indecisive. This time, she isn't sure if she wants to do it. As the urges grow stronger and the pain intensifies, so does the indecision.

_Think about your friends. Think about how much this would hurt them. Think about Castle. You want a relationship with him, and you can't have one if you're still cutting_, she thinks, her hand shaking. A sudden surge of strength makes her decide. She puts the blade down and grabs the phone instead, dialing Castle's number.

* * *

The knock on her door makes her jump. She hurriedly gets up and answers it, a smile blooming on her face when she sees Castle standing there.

"Hey, come in," she says, opening the door wider to let him in. He walks in, looking worried.

"What's going on?" He asks, facing her.

"Wait here," she says, and goes to her bedroom, grabbing the wooden box. She goes back to the living room, and hands him the box.

"These are all of my razors, all of things I use to hurt myself," she says. He opens it, staring at the sharp pieces of metal.

"I-I... What do you want me to do with them?" He asks, confused.

"Keep them," she replies quickly before she can change her mind.

"Should I throw them out?" He asks, and she hesitates. She isn't ready, not yet. She can't do that yet.

"N-No. Just keep them, for now. If I call you and ask you for them, do _not_ give them back. No matter how much I beg and plead, do not give them to me. Okay?" She exclaims, her heartbeat quickening. She's giving up her cure, her addiction. She takes a deep breath.

"Okay," he replies, pocketing the box.

"Thank you, Rick," she whispers, her voice cracking. This is much more difficult than she thought it was going to be.

"You're welcome, Kate," he replies, and turns around, leaving. She smiles to nobody, feeling miserable but at the same time, she knows that it was the right thing to do.


	13. Human

**A/N: Hope you all enjoy this chapter!**

* * *

Castle is sitting across from Kate at Remy's. They just finished a difficult case, and now they need to relax. They talk, and laugh, and smile. Kate forgets everything for a while, she actually feels... Good. But then she accidentally brushes her hand across her hip, across the healing cuts that are there, and pain shoots through her. She's reminded of everything that has happened, everything she's done and her smile fades.

"Kate, you alright?" He asks, touching her arm. She must have spaced out.

"Hmm? Oh, yeah, I'm fine, just tired," she replies, faking a smile. He narrows his eyes, his brow furrowing.

He doesn't believe her.

"Do you want to talk about it?"

"Not really," she says, looking away from his penetrating blue eyes.

"Did you...?" He trails off, gesturing towards her hip. She stares at him, anger quickening her pulse.

"_No_, Castle, I did not cut myself," she snaps at him, then instantly regrets it when she sees the helplessness in his eyes, the pain, the worry. She sighs. "I'm sorry, Castle. I really am just tired. Tired of fighting this addiction, the urges. I know that it's only been a month, but it seems like forever. I'm just so tired." Tears are burning in her eyes. She won't let them fall. She can't be weak, she has to be strong.

"Oh, Kate," he murmurs, and cups her hand in his. Warmth spreads through her, a sense of calm filling her. She looks into his eyes, mesmerized.

"So, may I take your order?" A voice interrupts them, and they let go quickly.

* * *

She's slowly but surely losing control. She's growing weaker, not stronger, with each passing day. She bottles up her emotions, not letting herself feel, because she's afraid that if she does, she won't be able to stop herself. She does have her happy moments, yes, but they are fleeting. The pain is always present.

_Just get through another day, Kate. You can do it_, she thinks to herself every single morning. It keeps her going. Barely. She can barely keep the urges at bay, but she does, even though it's excruciating and agonizing, she never cuts. Not once.

* * *

A month and six days have passed since the last time a blade touched her skin. Thirty-six days. She should be proud, shouldn't she? She isn't. She never should have started, she never should have made that first cut. But she did, and now she's left in the wake of her mistakes, shattered.

Today she's feeling better, in some ways, and worse in others. The good thing about today is that she is going to have dinner with Castle. He isn't at the precinct today, he had a book signing. But the bad thing about today is that it's the anniversary of the first time she self-harmed.

And the urges are strong, really, _really_ strong.

* * *

Kate is sitting on her couch, trying to distract herself with a book until Castle gets there. It isn't working. Her brain keeps replaying that day, over and over, each time the memory is more vivid.

The smell of alcohol burning her nose. Her dad, skin pale and sweaty, passed out on the floor. The hot, steaming shower. The pain, everywhere. Wishing her mom had never died. Wishing she had never been born. The razor, so sharp. The blood trailing down her arm, so red.

She needs it.

She can't do it.

She's dying inside.

Her brain foggy, she gets up slowly, and walks over to her bedroom. She opens the closet, looking for the little wooden box. It isn't there. What...? Then she remembers.

Castle. She gave them to him.

Kate curses under her breath, and picks up the phone. He needs to give them back. He has to. She bites her lip, trembling slightly, until he picks up.

"Uh, hey, Kate. I just finished. I'll be over there in a while. You need anything?" He asks.

"Rick. Give me my razor blades back," she chokes out, her voice shaking.

"What? Are-Are you okay?" She can hear worry in his voice.

"I'm fine. Just... Give them back. Please?" She replies, her voice steadier.

"No, I can't do that. I'm not giving them to you," he responds.

"Rick, please. I need them."

"Kate, I'm sorry, but no. I'm not letting you hurt yourself again," he exclaims, raising his voice. She exhales.

"Okay. It's fine. I don't need them. Thanks. See you in a bit," she says with fake cheerfulness, and hangs up.

Well, she might as well start cooking the dinner. She has to distract herself, with something, anything. She goes over to the kitchen, trying to slow her breathing. It's hard to breathe. Why is it so hard to breathe? She touches her chest, panicking.

She can't breathe.

She's going to die.

You're having a panic attack. Calm down. Breathe in, breathe out. Slowly, she says to herself, remembering what her therapist said to do. It isn't working. The panic escalates, and so do the memories. They flash before her. Pain fills her, head to toe. She's going to die. She bites her lip, hard. She digs her nails into her arm. The tightness in her chest loosens a little bit. The memories fade slightly.

She knows what she has to do.

She grabs a small, sharp kitchen knife and slides down to the floor. She presses it to her arm, about to slide it across when someone grabs it from her. She cries out in surprise, and looks up.

Castle. She must have left the door open, and didn't hear him come in.

She's staring at him and he's staring at her.

Water is dripping.

Tears are welling, falling, burning down her face.

"Castle, I'm so sorry," she whispers hoarsely, shame, guilt and disappointment in herself crashing over her. "I-I'm a failure. I'm a screw-up. What if-What if I never get better? What if I'm too broken?"

He sits down next to her, telling her that it's going to be okay. That she almost slipped up, but that happens to everyone sometimes. She isn't perfect. He strokes her hair and wipes away her tears.

"Kate, you are strong. I know that you will be stronger next time. I know you will," he says, looking into her eyes. She shakes her head.

"Rick, what's the point? What's the point of trying to recover if I know I never will?"

"The point is for you to be healthy. You _will_ get better. The point is that _I love you_, Kate, and I want you to be happy," he replies, eyes shining.

"I know, but, how could you love _me_? I've broken so many promises, I've lied to you so many times, I've hurt so many people... How could you love someone like that?"

"Because I see past that. I see somebody fierce, compassionate, caring, generous. I see someone who is extraordinary, Kate. You're extraordinary," he says.

"I-I... Thank you. Rick, I love you," she whispers, her vision blurring with tears. She turns her head, looking at him. He inches closer. She can feel heat radiating off of him. She closes her eyes, leaning in. Finally, after what seems like an eternity, their lips meet. It's short but sweet, it's a kiss that promises a future, a future with him. They pull apart. She stares at him, and gets up off the floor. She grabs his hand, and leads him away, towards her bedroom.

The scars and healing cuts melt away with his touch.

She's alive, complete, unbroken, in his hands.

She's been brought back to life.


	14. Soldier On

**A/N: Well, we have reached the end of this journey. I want to thank you all, for supporting me, for your constructive criticism, for making me a better writer with every comment. Thank you all so much. See you next time, and stay amazing, people! Love you all, always.**___  
_

* * *

Kate takes a deep breath, trying to calm her nerves. She checks her reflection once more in the mirror, then heads towards the door. She clutches her fathers arm, and starts walking down the aisle, a smile spreading across her face. She's wearing a beautiful, elegant white dress. Diamond earrings are hanging from her ears.

She's radiant, glowing, overjoyed. Her heart is beating wildly, her eyes are bright and she feels like she could fly.

Rick looks amazing. When he sees Kate, his whole face lights up, a smile tugs at his lips. His eyes are shining in happiness. She reaches the altar, he takes her by the hand. She looks up into his eyes, and suddenly it's only them. Everything, everyone melts away as she feels love and admiration bloom inside of her. She feels like the luckiest person in the world when she looks into those wondrous blue eyes of his.

The Minister is saying something. Listen, Kate.

"Do you, Katherine Houghton Beckett, take Richard as your wedded husband?"

"I do," says Kate, smiling brightly. She feels like she's floating, higher, higher, higher.

"Do you, Richard Edgar Castle, take Katherine as your wedded wife?" He asks.

"I do," he replies.

"I now pronounce you husband and wife."

She kisses him and people are clapping and cheering. Tears are in her eyes, blinding her, but they are tears of joy. Pure joy. Rose petals are falling down around them. It's the perfect wedding. The perfect day.

"Rick, I love you. I love you so much," she whispers, choked up.

"I love you too, Kate," he replies, staring at her, love written all over his face.

* * *

They've been together for three years now. They were not perfect, no. There was pain. There were slip-ups and tears, arguments and anger, exhaustion, break downs. But there was also joy, laughter, hope. Being with Rick has made her a better person, it has made her want to be stronger.

However, she's still missing something. Everything she's been through, every scar, every tear, every loss has taken little pieces of her and shredded them. She's lost little parts of herself. She's almost whole, _almost._ A tiny little piece of her is always missing.

She wants to be complete. She wishes she was, with every fiber of her being, that she was complete. But she's not. And she never will be. Every day is a struggle with herself. It gets easier, yes, but it is always there, in the back of her mind.

The only thing that keep her from going insane is Rick. Rick, with his encouraging words. His beautiful smiles. His eyes, so bright and full of hope. He is her rock in the middle of a sea of chaos.

* * *

Kate is staring at the pregnancy test, butterflies bouncing around in her stomach. She closes her eyes, taking a deep breath. What if it's a no? _What if it's a yes?_ The test beeps and her stomach clenches. She slowly opens her eyes, and looks at the screen.

It says that she's pregnant.

She instinctively touches her stomach. She is suddenly feeling anxious. Very, very anxious.

She can't be a mother. She can't because she's still broken, she's still recovering. She won't be a good mom. She's mentally unstable, she can't raise a child! Panic consumes her. She throws away the test, goes towards the living room and starts pacing. Castle isn't there, he's out buying groceries.

How is she going to tell Castle? He will be over the moon, he will be the happiest person alive.

How is she supposed to just _crush_ him like that? She can't. But she has to.

She hears keys and footsteps. He's unlocking the door. He opens it, and walks in.

"Hey, Kate." He puts the groceries down and gives her a peck on the lips.

"Hi, Rick. Did you get everything?" She asks, biting her lip. She has to tell him that she's pregnant.

"Yeah, I think so. Kate? Are you okay?" He asks when he notices her nervous expression.

"Uh-Um..," she stutters. _Be honest,_ she thinks to herself. "No, I'm not. I need to tell you something." She walks over to the couch, and sits down.

"What's going on?" He asks, his brow furrowing in concern.

She grabs his hand, squeezing it. "Uh... Rick, I'm pregnant."

"W-What? Really? Are you sure?" He asks, excitement and joy creeping into his voice. His eyes light up like a Christmas tree.

"Yeah, I'm sure," she replies. She doesn't smile. He notices.

"Are you-Do you want this?" He asks, his smile fading.

"I'm not sure. It's just that... What if I'm a terrible mother? What if I screw it up? I'm not completely healed yet. I'm not sure... I'm not sure if I can do this," she responds, not meeting his gaze. She just crushed him, she's sure of it.

"Oh, Kate. Of course you can do it. You'll be an amazing mother, I know it. But if you really don't want to do this, we don't have to, alright? I'll love you, no matter what," he says, kissing her on the cheek.

Abruptly, images of a beautiful little baby with blue eyes and brown hair invade her mind. A child smiling, laughing, running, crying. Maybe she would be a good parent. Maybe she won't screw it up. Maybe she can do this. No, not maybe: She _can_ do this.

"I'll do it. We're going to have a baby, Rick." She grins, hugging him. He hugs her back, and in that instant, she knows that this was the right decision. And she couldn't be more excited.


End file.
